Category Archives: This Just In

This Just In: Penso, the league made me do it

After the Houston Dynamo lost the first leg of the Conference final 2-0 to the Seattle Sounders, I sat down with referee Chris Penso to find out what happened and why he lied.

HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX
HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX

The game was a gift given to the Sounders with the penalty and red card that was not only a bad call but not even reviewed with the instant replay  and the calls against Seattle not given I needed to get to the bottom of the truth behind the situation so I sat down with head referee Chris Penso to ask the tough questions.

Me: After the Penalty and Red Card that was called early in the game, how did you justify the call?

Penso: Well, I was going to give it for last man foul but the voices in my ear told me that if I did that then I wouldn’t be able to give the red card and they needed the red card to ensure that the Dynamo would not only be shorthanded but loose, so they said I had to say it was a foul with using his hands.

HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX
HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX

Me: And you didn’t check the replay because..

Penso: .because they knew he wasn’t pulled down and said if I watched it I would have to overturn the call because it was too obvious a dive and that would ruin the necessary red card.

Me: So who was it that was telling you these things in your ear?

Penso: It was an MLS league official. I was told in a top secret pre-game meeting that Seattle needed to make it to the finals.

HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX
HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX

Me: Why

Penso: All I was told was that Seattle and was set to be in the final because of the money they were going to make. I mean they didn’t even tell me, I over heard the MLS official on the phone telling someone how much they were going to be making with them in the finals.

I showed him this photo;

HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX
HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX

asking if this was the man in his ear and he shook his head yes and said, “That’s when he told The Dynamo’s coach that they couldn’t win and how sorry he was but it was already decided the decision came from higher ups, over his head.”

I knew he was telling me the truth because after they spoke Wilmer Cabrera was, well a picture says a thousand words!

HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX
HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX

Me: You said, “them in the finals.” Did you hear which other team was going to the finals?

Penso: Yes well obviously it was supposed to be a repeat of last year Seattle vs Toronto it’s just nobody expected Columbus to hold them the way they have or they would have given the ref a bonus in the first round like I got because everyone knew Houston was going to beat Seattle unless it was fixed, but like I said no one expected Columbus to step up.

I later called Chris to follow up during the second leg of Columbus/Toronto and he said he hadn’t heard but was almost sure that Elfath had been given the ref bonus because they were worried about Columbus now.

Me: Why did you take the Money,  why would you choose to be involved in that coruption?

Penso: Look, it’s not anything new and fixing games changing scenarios is something that has been done since the beginning of sports. I work my butt off and get treated like crap, I have my life threatened, I get things thrown at me constantly! and they boo me when I follow the rules because they don’t like a call? Well I deserve something extra for dealing with those people. Plus I heard that Fotis got a boat and I wanted one.

So here we are, back where I started during the Open Cup and let’s be real since there were games to bet on tthere’s been someone out fixing it. No one is held accountable and will they ever be?

And regardless we still watch, we still root for our teams and route against teams that we hate because that’s what fans do.

HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX
HOUSTON TX, November 21, 2017: MLS Western Conference Championship Leg 1: Houston Dynamo vs Seattle Sounders at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston TX

 

 

 

Disclaimer: This story is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to MLS, the U.S. Soccer Referees Association, US Soccer, The Professional Referee Organization or any individuals mentioned in this article/ post. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and it is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.

This Just In; Referee reveals Bribes For Boats

After the obvious bribery based calling of the US Open cup game between the Houston Dynamo and Sporting Kansas City, I sat down with the game’s head referee Fotis Bazakos who revealed the truth behind a not so hidden issue of bribery among referees and what his earnings would be used on.

Me: “What happened out there tonight?”

Fotis: “Well I did my job. So I got the payday phone call, the one that refs get when someone has paid the ‘bonus fee’, and we all know what that means. I just knew I had to do everything in my power to get that bonus check. See it’s not an automatic. You have to make sure that the paying guy’s team wins and if they loose, the check goes away, usually back to the guy.”

Me: “So when you say the bonus you meana bribe, correct?”

Fotis: “Yeah, but we never call it that. Fifa states that it’s a bonus or a fee because bribes are illegal and the word is closely monitored for with negative repercussions and effects when it is used.”

Me: “Ok so knowing what it meant, you were told what exactly?”

Fotis: “Well, I was told that the head guy who pays has a bonus for the orange and blue game. I was to make sure that blue won and if orange didn’t score, I’d get double.”

Me: “There were some obvious plays didn’t you worry that you it would be noticeable that you were calling it in favor of one team?”

Fotis: “I was a little worried because I knew I was being super obvious, but I really wanted my money. Then I realized it wasn’t televised or anything. I could practically tell the orange team that they weren’t gonna win regardless and in a way I did. The blue team didn’t make it easy either, the trip in the box and then that handball where he practically grabbed the ball! I wanted to smack them. but like I said, no big deal because noway could I be held accountable because it wasn’t on TV or anything. ”

Me: “So why are you telling me now, aren’t you worried that you’ll get in trouble or won’t get anymore bribes?”

Fotis: ” Bonuses.”

Me: “Right,sorry. Bonuses.”

Fotis: “No, I got the mother load! By making sure the orange team lost and didn’t score I got my double bonus and now I’m set.”

Me: “Ok, so what did you do with the money? I mean did you have medical bills that you needed the money for or a family member needed money for a life saving operation that wasn’t insured, or was it like a gambling debt that some thugs were gonna remove your kneecaps over? What did you spend the money on?”

Fotis: “I bought a boat. I’ve always wanted a boat but on my salary I knew I’d never be able to afford it so all but forgot it and went on about my business. Then I got the call and I knew I was finally gonna get my dream boat! It’s incredible! She’s a 40’ AFT cabin Silverton with 2 staterooms and a spacious main salon. Worth it!”

Me: “Well thank you for your candor and good luck with your boat.”

Fotis: “You should come and see it sometime, I’d love to take you out cruising the open waters. You’d see why I love it so much.”

Me: “Um, that’s gonna be a really emphatic No!”

And there you have it folks, Fotis sold his soul and simultaneously sold out a good, pure soccer team who refused to stoop to the level of fixing a match… for a boat.

It makes me wonder who else out there has made similar sales. He obviously isn’t alone and seeing some of the obvious badly called games I know the are others are willing to sell out the game I so dearly love. What would you sell out your profession, soul, friends for? And is this all we can hope for our future? Will the replay technology really be the accountability that so many have been begging for or is it just one one person on the ‘Bonus payroll” ? Till next time…

 

Disclaimer: This story is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to MLS, the U.S. Soccer Referees Association, US Soccer, The Professional Referee Organization or any individuals mentioned in this article/ post. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and it is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.

This Just In: NWSL partners with new live feed provider..Expedia

After so many issues have arisen with the newest format of live streaming feed, Go90 , NWSL has agreed to partner with a more accurate service to view your favorite NWSL team, Expedia. They are still working on the campaign and finalizing the slogans.

Options being thrown around are:

“Can’t watch it on Go90, Go & watch with Expedia.”

or

“Expedia, when your live feed won’t play and you want to throw your computer against a wall cursing the Go90 feed for not realizing that the game started an hour and a half ago!”

or my personal favorite,

“When you can’t Go90, tell them Go F-off and book it on Expedia”

Either way, they have a crack team working it out now, they assure us, and we know they’d never say something that wasn’t true just to get us to back off and leave them alone…

When asked, the NWSL rep stated, “We welcome any ideas you may have because we understand you the fans and viewers think Go90 is a pile of shitstorm because we have received a lot of mail, messages and emails stating so. We wanted to make a change earlier but they had us bent over, ramming the stream up our proverbial asstricts and lets be real, we’re literally too stupid to realize there are better ways of handling the issues and we don’t give enough of a crap about the fans. So with our new partnership with Expedia we don’t have to do a fuckin thing to make it work.”- from Representative Moronia Dumbfuct NWSL spokes person and media contact

Either way, it’s no longer going to be an issue. No more not being able to see the live stream because the guy who’s supposed to flip the switch in the booth to run the stream is too busy picking his butt to realize the game is on, or when the stream is actually running having it freeze every 30 seconds and my least favorite, where it runs for ten minutes then nothing for ten minutes then runs for ten minutes then nothing, etc… We are no longer plagued with a lack of watch-ability because of lack of give a damn or in this reporter’s opinion something more sinister at play.

What is this devious play you ask? Well I think the people who are in charge of showing the games are trying to boost their YouTube subscribers and numbers and the only way to do it successfully is to make people come back after they post the no longer live streams and watch it from their page. As any YouTube savvy peeps know, the more watchers, subscribers etc you have the better your chances of being on the main page and the more money you get for your content. So don’t fall for it guys & gals!!

Use the new way to watch your NWSL teams live, at the location, stadium or club house that they’re currently playing and mail your bill with your Expedia booking confirmation to the big wigs at NWSL! They need to get the message that we love our teams and deserve a better way to watch them that doesn’t boost their ratings or line their pockets!

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Disclaimer: This article is not an endorsement for Expedia or any other corporation or entity. The partnership mentioned is not real and no offers have been made to NWSL or Houston Sports Images by Expedia.
The content in this story is not true and is meant solely as entertainment.
No comments were made by NWSL to Houston Sports Images or anyone else concerning this matter, and this is in no way meant to be taken as factual.
Do not send your travel bills to NWSL expecting reimbursement, they will not pay them and have made no statement or promise to the contrary.

(Photo: Houston Sports Images)

Support your favorite team in spite of the jack-holes who are in charge of streaming! We can make a difference together!

Continue reading This Just In: NWSL partners with new live feed provider..Expedia

This Just In, Love Story: A Twist Of Fate..

Even when the path looks clear, sometimes it’s the wrong turns that lead you to the best destinations.

When Last we left off J.J. Watt had found Kealia Ohai, the sister of fellow Texan Brian Cushing’s wife Megan. After keeping their relationship a secret for months they chose to take it public being spotted out and about in Houston and J.J. even showing up to support her at a Houston Dash home game.

JJ Watt & Kealia Ohai= Ohatt
JJ Watt & Kealia Ohai=
Ohatt

Things looked to be going great for the two and even made for a great love story,

The Sisters and The Texans

but this is where our love story takes a twist…

J.J. is what we would call perfect in every way. He’s handsome, rich, famous, an amazing football player, an all around great guy…yes we could go on; but is he too perfect? Like the Prince riding in on his white horse to save the day, but what if the day wasn’t in need of saving? What if the princess wasn’t looking for a prince? Sometimes the the the real prince is just a regular guy.

After dating J.J. for a while, Kealia realized that even though they may have been perfect on paper, in a story, it just wasn’t meant to be

HOUSTON, TX, 29 March 2015, NWSL Preseason: Houston Dash vs University of Texas

and as the fates would have it the real prince of her heart could already be there just waiting for his chance at love.

(Photo: Houston Sports Images)

Michael J. Cox. He was just a regular guy who was around in the background but not in a creepy stalker way, more in the best friend who you can always count on when the going gets rough and tough.

Brian and Megan with Micheal
Brian and Megan with Micheal

Brian and Megan often came to Kealia’s games and one game,  when fans realized that the Brian Cushing was there, they swarmed him pushing Megan off to the side. Michael realized what was going on and being the great friend he’s always been, stepped in and protected what we later found out was a 4 months pregnant Megan. Every few seconds Brian would sneak a peek over to Megan and Michael, making sure that she was still safe. After about an hour of being mobbed by fans, and worrying for Megan’s safety, Michael realized it was getting to be to much for Brian to handle but being to kind to tell fans to go away or even just walk away he continued to take photos and give autographs. So Michael grabbed one of his security buddies and was able to rescued Brian from the mob of fans.

Michael and Megan laughing with security after being saved from the on rush of fans while Brian gets Megan some food, pregers got hungry!
Michael and Megan laughing with security after being saved from the on rush of fans while Brian gets Megan some food, pregers gets hungry!

Kealia and Megan have always been close,

Haley, Kealia, Megan, and Melissa
Haley, Kealia, Megan, and Melissa Dash preseason.

bcush2

and even though a regular guy may not have been the obvious choice sometimes fate surprises you. As time went on the three became closer and after Kealia had become tired of the “perfect man” J.J. Watt, she began to see that someone can go from friends to much more when you’re not even looking. The way Michael stood up for Brian and stood by Megan, not just anyone does that. She found that the guy she really wanted was there all along,

KO1

KO2

dbl

 

just a regular guy not the prince on a white horse but her twist of fate.

 

Disclaimer: This story is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to Brian Cushing, Megan Cushing, Kealia Ohia or J.J. Watt. It is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.

This Just In, The Sisters and the Texans, a Love Story

The tale of the Two sisters and the Texans began when Brian Cushing, was asked about his wife and her sister Kealia.

Megan and Kealia have always been close. I could just picture Brian sitting there after they had eaten dinner and were about to watch  highlight reels or one of his old games and Kealia grabbing the remote and changing the channel to the Real Housewives of Anything or Brian saying he’s hungry, waiting for Megan to fix him something and then Kealia showing up, and out the two of them would go, leaving Brian standing at the counter with stuff to fix his own sandwich..

Brian Cushing fixing adding his own condiments as Megan jokes around with Dynamo & Dash Fan Micheal J. Cox
Brian Cushing adding his own condiments as Megan jokes around with Dynamo & Dash Fan Michael J. Cox

Though she projects to the world how happy and content with her love story she was, all she talked about her was her sister who was lacking the ability to find love on her own.

Kealia Ohia Houston Dash vs Portland Thorns at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston, Texas
Kealia Ohai Houston Dash vs Portland Thorns

The Great Cush would say how knowing that Megan’s husband was the Texans’ best, most famous and all around #1 player, she could only think of one person to hook her baby sister up with, but since she was married to him there was no one else that could measure up. Not knowing what else to do and having no other options to choose from, she gave up on the idea resolute in the knowledge that her sister would die alone. After everything I had learned, if nothing else came of this story, I was going to break the the best kept secret in the organization, Brian Cushing is a douche¹.

Not missing a beat, he continued saying how Megan was so burdened with this info she decided to take her sister with her to all the Texans practices so Kealia wouldn’t have to stay home all alone crying herself to sleep and munching down gallons of ice cream out of lonely misery, but more importantly so The Great Cush wouldn’t lose his personal cheerleader.

Who could have known or even thought it possible that during one of these outings with an entire Texans team, Kealia would catch the eye of J.J.Watt after The Great Cush told him all about her so that he could say all the right stuff, of course. The Great Cush eluded to J.J. being one of those guys that you don’t really like that much but you have to put up with cause he’s part of the team, kinda like Kealia and that’s when it hit him. A player literally slammed into him and knocked him to the ground.  As he was on the ground he looked over and saw Megan, Kealia, and J.J. chatting so he thought well he was an OK player,  but no where near the greatness, amazingness, big and strongness grand man like The Great Cush, but him being already taken…
Megan&Brian Cushing Photo credit Micheal J.Cox
Megan&Brian Cushing
Photo credit Michael J.Cox
So in the weeks following J.J. and Kealia saw each other privately, a lot of double dates, some after practice hanging out at then after about a month they chose to go public,
being  caught on video by some of the millions of Houston Texans’ fans and the hundreds of Houston Dash fans. Now there are even photographs of J.J. showing up to Dash Games supporting Kealia.
JJ Watt & Kealia Ohai= Ohatt
 The latest was at the Dash vs the Portland game where the Dash handed the league leading Thorns a 3-0 thrashing with Kealia scoring the 3rd goal.
Kealia Ohia Dash vs Portland
Kealia Ohai
Dash vs Portland
Mr Cushing eluded to the fact that he was sure the couple of soccer fans out there hoped that J.J. would continue showing up because whatever he’s doing, it was having a great effect on Kealia.
Thank God for The Great and Powerful Cush , if not for his smart brain and quick action!  The couple are gold and J.J. could use the notice-ability, cause now he’ll forever be indebted to The Great Cush for setting them up. If Megan could have had something to do with this, if she had thought of it (though to be fair to her The Great Cush is the only player who matters) she could have taken credit for this, the tale of the perfect hook up. The tale of The Sisters and the Texans.
∗ Source : http://terezowens.com/jj-watt-is-dating-teammates-sister-in-law/
¹ Brian Cushing, to my knowledge, is not in any way a douche
Disclaimer: This story is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to Brian Cushing, Megan Cushing, Kealia Ohia or J.J. Watt. It is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.

 

This Just In, J.J. Watt newest acquisition for the Houston Dash

July 16, 2016: NWSL Regular Season: Houston Dash vs Portland Timbers at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston, Texas

On Saturday July 16th J.J. Watt singed with the Houston Dash organization.  It has been no secret how much of a fan of J.J. Watt President Chris Canetti has been,  tweeting J.J.¹ more than One Direction fans tweet Harry Styles!

So obviously when Canetti found out that JJ would be attending the game on Saturday

July 16, 2016: NWSL Regular Season: Houston Dash vs Portland Timbers at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston, Texas
Additional fans blurred to protect anonymity. Photo credit: Anonymous Fan

to see his rumored girlfriend and Dash forward Kealia Ohai², Canetti jumped at the chance to fangirl his idol by bringing him in for the “special tour”, Chris brought J.J. in to watch the match in Canetti’s private suite, while lavishing him with food (popcorn),

July 16, 2016: NWSL Regular Season: Houston Dash vs Portland Timbers at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston, Texas
wined and dined in the present’s box with Chris Cannetti and his family (faces blurred to protect family anonymity) where he finalized the deal. Photo credit: Anonymous Fan

as well as air conditioning where J.J. let down his guard and enjoyed the rock star treatment as he watched a great game! The Dash promptly handed the league leaders Portland a 3-0 butt whooping helping Canetti to orchestrate this coup d’etat and before he knew knew it, J.J. was  signing on the dotted line.

So now it’s official: J.J. Watt is one of the Houston Dash…fans!

July 16, 2016: NWSL Regular Season: Houston Dash vs Portland Timbers at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston, Texas
July 16, 2016: NWSL Regular Season: Houston Dash vs Portland Timbers at BBVA Compass Stadium, Houston, Texas

¹https://twitter.com/chriscanetti/status/620040469943205888
²http://mix965houston.cbslocal.com/2016/06/22/jj-watt-is-rumored-to-be-dating-a-houston-dash-player-photos/

 

Disclaimer: This story is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to any one mention, alive or dead/real or created. It is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.

This Just In: Dynamo, desperate for players, open pitch to all

During the last home game of the season,  the Houston Dynamo in a desperate move to make the playoffs, opened the pitch to anyone who wanted to play in a final last ‘pitch’ effort to beat the Sounders.

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We had some good candidates!

This guy, Mike, has the speed and the energy but Head Coach, Owen Coyle, didn’t seem all that impressed by what he saw lol

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however

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Owen was more than happy to take a selfie.

Our next candidate, Julie,  had the look and the love and she’s been a loyal supporter!

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Our money is on our final pick. She has the speed and the drive and her skills in goal are undeniable! Watch out for this one, the Sky’s the limit for Skyler!

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All in all,

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a GREAT group!!

 

When President Chris Canetti was asked for comment he said, “Anyone is welcome, as long as they are season ticket holders.”

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Whatever happens we want to thank all the amazing people on the field and behind the scenes! Thanks for all your hard work, great efforts, a great season and ten amazing years! Here’s to Ten more! Forever Orange, Forever One!

Photos by Tommy Boatman & Kris Gager

from Tommy Boatman Photography TommyBoatmanPhotography.com

Disclaimer: This story is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to any one mention, alive or dead/real or created. It is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.

This Just In: Steven Gerard, afraid of balls

On Saturday July 25th, Steven Gerrard and the L.A. Galaxy went to Houston to play the Dynamo and were unceremoniously defeated 3-0. During the humiliating beat down L.A.’s new number nine was seen dodging balls and seemingly cowering away when the ball came near him, even screaming like a little girl

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and pushing players from the opposite team in front of him to avoid having any contact with the ball. When asked about this after being subbed out in the second half, the only responses we could understand were “water”, “hot” and “How the Blank?”.

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In an interview before the All Star game, which he curiously had to withdraw from, helping to confirm the fear theory. Additionally, he seemed confused in what some have called a semi-stroke like state when questions were asked of him and when he did manage to speak he stated that it was the humidity that was scary and “It was a Shock to me system.” Whether it was the ball or the heat we’ll let you decide. Either way, Houston fans rejoiced and welcome Mr. Gerrard back to the city anytime from June to September the ex-Liverpool striker would like.

 

Disclaimer: This story is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to any one mention, alive or dead/real or created. It is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.

This Just In, the lighter side of sports

I have heard several stories, read loads of articles, seen copious scenarios dealing with the issues and woes of players, referees, and specific sports in general in my hours of being a sports writer and I have come to realize that something is missing. The suck up, kissing the back side of, glorification of articles exist, too many in my opinion. The truthy, no holding back, speak your mind all up in your face narratives are few and far between but still not difficult to find if one were to look. There are even the articles that are non biased, fact-based  purely unfeigned nonpartisan pieces that tell the situation well enough. These are all well and good. Actually some are good and some are, well some are just abhorrent! The point is we are all missing something. There is something lacking. So I decided to fill this gap, this enormous hole that was plaguing our society with a lack of flippant sketchy incomplete accounts of falsehoods. So now, for your entertainment and enjoyment, I give you, “This Just In..”

Disclaimer: This story (and any article from “This Just In” ) is in no way accurate, factual or ever in any way connected to any one mention, alive or dead/real or created. It is purely fictional and the brain hallucination of my satirical mind and has no base in reality.